Broken
by Ladyamesindy
Summary: Just shy of a year after the destruction of the Normandy and the loss of Commander Shepard, a broken Kaidan Alenko reunites with a disillusioned Garrus Vakarian. They end up spending the night catching up on old times, toasting long lost friends, and, eventually, finding new purpose ...


_**This is my entry for the MEBB 2015 this year. There is also artwork for it, renders created by the incredible MandyAlenko over on DeviantArt. Please, go check out her work - it's absolutely amazing!**_

* * *

 _ **SSV Normandy, 2183**_

 _It took only the slightest of movement, just the barest brush of her arm against his abdomen, to pull him back into reality from a deep sleep. The first truly restful state he'd found since …. Well, since a while now._

" _Shepard?" Rough. Whispered. Barely audible over the sound of the air recycling systems that had kicked on moments before._

 _The bed tilted gently, a draft of cool air replacing the warmth that had been there just moments before. The effect was as sudden as it was jarring and Kaidan bolted upright, eyes blinking rapidly to adjust to the lighting in the room as adrenaline pushed him into a more fully alert state. After several moments, his focus tightened and he found her, now fully dressed, standing beside her desk. Arms raised over her head, she was expertly pinning the silky coils of copper back atop her head, a movement that caused a tightening low in his gut as he recalled the texture of that hair drifting across his skin earlier. "Wha's goin' on?" Her head turned, brow lifted in concern as even he heard the slight slur of exhaustion in his voice._

 _But the smile she gave him softened her features as her eyes sought out his in reassurance. "We'll be at Ilos soon," she reminded him gently._

 _Kaidan ran one hand over his face, scrubbing it roughly - they must have slept longer than he'd thought - while reaching the other out towards her. He wasn't surprised to feel strong but cool fingers sliding around it a moment later, squeezing once briefly before releasing him._

 _Sighing, he looked up at her, taking her in. Memorizing her, this moment. Savoring it to play back during those moments in future when they would be separated by duty. The lighting in the room was soft, dim, but the sheen of her hair refracted just enough of what was visible that, if taken at just the right angle, appeared to resemble a halo. A fitting comparison, given what she was doing for the galaxy, he thought. It was easy to rise and match her smile after that. "You know," he admitted, eyes glued to her face, "it's been a long time since I …."_

 _Joker's voice broke through, alerting them to imminent arrival on Ilos. For a brief moment, Kaidan fought back anger at the interruption. The reaction was uncalled for, illogical even, and he knew that, and buying time to deal with it, he rose from the bed and reached for his uniform while she replied to the pilot._

 _A hand at his shoulder had him glancing up a few minutes later. Pausing in the tying of his boots, he lifted a hand to cover hers, squeezing gently. "Be careful out there, Shepard," he urged. He knew the risks. Accepted that they both would face them each and every time they stepped onto the battlefield. It didn't mean that he couldn't be concerned._

 _Shepard smiled, leaning over to kiss him quickly. When she stood straight again, he recognized her battle face. She was a force of nature - a beautiful one, to be sure, but a deadly one. "With you and Wrex at my back, I will be in good hands."_

 _Kaidan watched her turn and leave, following a moment later. While she headed towards the CIC, he called up the elevator so he could go and alert the krogan._

 _ **Omega, 2185**_

Kaidan inhaled sharply, throwing himself back against the wall as a shot zinged past his head, shredding the last vestiges of his biotic barrier. He could have _sworn_ he felt that one, and instinct had him raising a hand to his cheek to cheek. When it lowered and he saw the vaguest smear of red against his gauntlet, he could only stare at it for a long moment. _That one was too close!_

"You alright over there?"

The flanging voice, as familiar to him as the memories he'd been so rudely prodded from, held a note of concern from it's position on the other side of the room. "I'm good," Kaidan replied out of instinct. Ignoring the blood, Kaidan shifted, crouching at the edge of the balcony so that he could peek over and get a better read on the situation below. Silently he counted the forms moving below.

"You know, Alenko, the whole point of having you come to Omega with me was to avoid that death wish thing you were headed towards."

Kaidan snorted softly, lifting his hand, alerting his friend to the situation below through the military gestures they used to communicate. "And here I thought you wanted to put my charming personality to good use," he quipped.

The turian's laugh rang true. "You got me there," he replied, his voice slightly muffled. A moment later, the shot he took rang out and Kaidan smiled as the leader of that squad instantly dropped. "But you have to admit, this has been a more interesting ride than where you were headed when I found you."

Kaidan grunted his agreement just before rising above the edge of the balcony, emitting a strong electrical pulse aimed at two LOKI mechs crossing the bridge towards them. He couldn't argue that. "Guess the locals got your name right after all." _Archangel_. Kaidan pondered that for a long while after Garrus was tagged with the moniker. He also found he had to explain what an archangel was to the turian, much to the amusement of the rest of the team. In the end, the one thing they all agreed on was that it was appropriate.

A blur of color across the bridge had Kaidan refreshing his barrier, calling out, "Incoming."

"I see them." A lone shot rang out, taking one of the freelancers down easily, and Garrus sighed. "Such a waste," he muttered.

Kaidan lifted his assault rifle and sent a spray of shots across the bridge. It wouldn't do much except keep them from fanning out behind the barricades, he hoped, but that was something at least. "I'm just glad you didn't end up thinking the same of me."

 _ **Citadel, 2184**_

 _Alchera._

One of the lesser known planets in the Milky Way to be sure, it certainly didn't have much in the way of anything positive to speak for it. Uninhabitable, a frozen wasteland, the only thing remarkable about it had been the battle in the skies above … and the lives lost because of it.

In the weeks and months following their rescue, Kaidan had come to identify with the planet, in a manner of speaking. Cold. Frozen. Dead on the inside.

True to her reputation as galactic hero, Shepard succeeded in launching the emergency beacon before she was lost. The Alliance sent ships to retrieve the escape pods, after which the crew had been returned immediately to Arcturus Station for medical examinations, treatment if necessary, and then debriefing. The survivors were kept separate from other Alliance personnel, protocol to be sure but frustrating nonetheless because those with whom they _were_ in contact could not provide suitable answers to the myriad of questions brought forward by the survivors. Days spent being questioned in minute detail about events as they had unfolded. Who was it that had attacked? How much warning did the _Normandy_ have before the attack began? Had emergency procedures been followed accurately when the ship finally came under attack? Where was Commander Shepard during all of this? By the time it was all over, the investigation into events over Alchera complete, they were notified that they had time to grieve … and exactly whom.

At the time, all Kaidan wanted was to return to duty. To lose himself in the mindless routine that might have helped him through the absolute worst time of his life. Alliance regulations being what they were, he wouldn't be able to openly grieve for her, not like one lover should for another, so he needed to find other ways to ease the ache. Was it so much to ask to find a way to tether himself to reality, help him find a reason to _want_ to keep living?

But instead, the Alliance put him and the others on restricted duty. It was all under the guise of procedure - their full investigation had to be completed first - and when they did finally release him and the rest of the _Normandy_ crew as fit for duty, it was only to find they were to be separated. Reassigned. Broken up. Oh, they would be allowed to remain together for her memorial. One last tribute to their fallen Commander, but after that ….

He'd tried to return to duty. Honestly tried. Gave it his best effort. Death in the line of duty was something he'd accepted years before with his father's service; seen happen upon occasion throughout his own years as well. But Shepard's death went beyond that, cutting much deeper. Although he tried to do as she would have wanted (they hadn't gotten around to those sorts of serious talks yet, but both were career soldiers and knew the score going in), he found it increasingly difficult to find the focus he needed.

His orders reassigned him to the Citadel. Anderson, it seemed, personally requested him as a 'special liaison,' and Hackett endorsed it. Just how much either of his superiors knew about Kaidan's relationship with Shepard, he had no idea, but he wouldn't have been surprised to find out that somehow they had known about it all. Though the Councilor never admitted it when Kaidan confronted him after the first couple of months or so, Kaidan suspected Anderson's offer came out of a misplaced sense of obligation to Shepard's memory. Hackett's endorsement suggested the same. But, whatever the reasons in the long run, Kaidan found that it could not keep him from falling over the edge, leaving him feeling empty. Lost. _Broken_. Pain was something he had lived with before, could live with again if necessary. But this? This was a whole new extreme and he could not halt a full blown descent into the depths of despair.

On duty, he continued to perform as an Alliance officer was expected to. He showed up on time, remained on task. As often as he could he looked for reasons to stay late, not so much for overtime as it was simply a way to keep the haunting memories from stalking him during his off hours. More often than not, those memories resulted in frequent visits to one of the local bars.

However, life and his surroundings appeared to conspire against him and his wishes. He saw evidence of her everywhere. Her image was spread liberally across the Citadel. From recruitment posters to memorials to media reports. These same reports utilized audio clips too, taunting him in his own personal hell. A whisper of a voice would send him running, heart racing … only to find another news report using post mission interview footage dating back to Elysium or as recent as after the takedown of Saren and Sovereign. And then there were the smells that assaulted his senses. Her favorite pizza from a place down in Zakera Ward. A fancy coffee drink that even she admitted was more foaming froth and flavor than actual coffee. The flowers that lined the walkways of the Presidium. All of it drove Kaidan to near madness.

Just shy of a year after the destruction of the _Normandy_ , that was how he and Garrus reunited. In a seedy little bar in the Wards that neither one knew the other frequented. Stumbling into one another in the doorway while exiting the bar at last call. Leaning heavily upon one another and heading back to the closest apartment where they ended up discussing old times, toasting long lost friends, and, eventually, finding new purpose.

 _ **SSV Normandy, 2183**_

" _Are you a career man, Alenko?"_

 _Kaidan glanced up and across the breadth of the mess hall towards the galley. Shepard stood there, fixing something he couldn't quite see from his current position at the table. Nodding, he replied, "I've found my place here. Might as well get a paycheck for it."_

 _Chuckling, Shepard exited the galley and moved to sit across from him at the table. She took a moment to eye his handiwork before setting her bowl of popcorn out of harm's way but still within easy reach. "Agreed," she told him. "Though if money is your concern, you might do better in the private sector with skills like that." She nodded towards his project._

 _Kaidan shook his head. "Money is not my main concern," he promised, reaching for his omni-tool and picking up where he'd left off with his latest modifications. He looked over at her after a moment, eyes pausing briefly on the N7 insignia on her chest. Nodding his head towards it, he asked, "I'm assuming you're in for the long haul, too? I don't suppose they would put you through all of that training if you weren't."_

 _She smiled and nodded. A moment later, however, her features settled into a much more sombre guise as she added, "The Alliance made me who I am today. Quite literally, they saved my life. Well, Anderson did, anyway. I figure dedicating that life to their service is the least I can do to pay them back for the opportunity."_

 _For a long moment, they eyed one another closely. Silently. "This has something to do with that incident back at_ Chora's Den _, doesn't it?" he asked quietly._

 _Her lips pulled into a tight smile. "Finch had it coming," she insisted, voice brooking no doubts or regrets over her choice, "but yeah. You could say that." She paused for a moment then asked, "Is that going to be a problem between us?"_

 _Kaidan blinked back surprise. Had he given her that impression? If anything, he admired how she handled the situation. "Not at all, ma'am," he promised immediately. "Like you said, he had it coming …."_

 _ **Citadel, 2184**_

"Omega?"

Garrus nodded. "Omega. Heart of the Terminus Systems. No better place needing our attention than I can think of. I'm telling you, Alenko, we can make a real difference there."

Kaidan sat back, rubbing at his temples. Surely, he'd had too much to drink and was hearing things. Right? He considered Garrus a friend, but his friend was now suggesting …. "Why not here?" he asked. "There's more than enough going on that needs someone to take care of it."

Garrus shook his head. "Too many rules," he protested immediately, clearly having given the matter some thought. "Too much … what is it you humans call it? Red tape? Loopholes?"

Kaidan snorted softly. "Yeah. Two completely different things with different meanings, but in this case I'd say they both apply and come out meaning something the same," he agreed.

The turian grunted his acknowledgement. "C-Sec will just get in the way like they always do," he insisted harshly. Kaidan understood that he'd had issues with his employer in the past, but until now he hadn't really considered just how much of a problem it might have been. Still was, for that matter, judging by Garrus' reaction, and it got him thinking. "But Omega … Well, if that's not a place screaming for justice to be brought in and dealt out, I'm not sure what is."

Kaidan nodded his agreement to that statement, because he could readily admit that Omega _did_ have that sort of reputation. But still, for the two of them to go in, guns blazing it sounded like, and take on Omega like that? Kaidan mulled the idea over a bit longer. "Why me, though?"

Garrus shrugged. "I figured if anyone out there would understand helping those in need of it find justice, it might be you," he admitted. His mandible flickered slightly before he continued, "Could also be that I made a promise to Shepard, too."

Kaidan's breath caught, lodged tightly in his chest at the mention of her name. Just like it always did when he heard it. Saw it. Read it. Would it always have that effect? Would he always feel the sharp jab of pain slice through his heart? Feel that surge of anger and injustice at the waste of such a vibrant life?

Blinking rapidly, he stared down at his hands, clasped tightly in front of him.

 _ **Earth, 2183**_

 _Warm sunshine, a light and cool breeze drifting inland off the ocean - these were the things Kaidan had known since childhood, but when experienced with Shepard took on a whole new meaning._

" _Eeeee!"_

 _Ever a man of tact and manners, Kaidan held back his amusement under a carefully contained guise of mild interest in her reaction. Barely. Coughing to clear his throat and - hopefully! - keep his laughter in check, he finally managed to ask, "Did you just … squeal?"_

 _She stood off to his left, eyes securely fastened upon the waves of water rolling and crashing at her feet. The nearness of which resulted in Commander Carri Shepard, Alliance soldier, N7 operative, Savior of the Citadel, to leap backwards into the air with all the grace of a spooked cat. "Shut up, Alenko!" she warned, but there was no real heat behind her words. "It's not my fault I've never seen the ocean before, is it?"_

 _Unable to hold back any longer, Kaidan's chest rumbled with laughter. "And now you're dancing?" he teased as she stumbled another step backwards. Moving quickly, he stepped to her side and slipped an arm around her waist before scooping her up into his arms. "That better?" he asked in a mild tone._

 _Shepard looped her arms around his neck, her eyes finding his. Then, in a move that would have stunned Kaidan had he not witnessed her more playful side a time or two in recent weeks, she fluttered her lashes at him, and cooed, "My hero!"_

 _His eyes rolled, but his laughter briefly mingled with hers. "You are a menace," he admonished with an affectionate smile._

 _Shepard's chuckles continued. "It's true," she agreed, flashing a wide grin up at him. "They did call me the Menace of Elysium, after all."_

 _His snort of disbelief was immediate. Turning away, he began walking, holding her close as he did so. "You either had dumb luck on your side, or -"_

" _Hey, watch it there, soldier boy! I_ was _N-3 at the time," she reminded him archly._

" _Were very well trained," he concluded as if she hadn't interrupted him._

 _Shepard smirked. "Nice save there, LT,"_ _she murmured before planting a sloppy, wet kiss on his cheek._

 _He flashed her a smug grin. "Shall we see if the intrepid Commander Shepard can do the same?" he challenged, a mischievous glint settling in his eyes._

" _The sa -" Kaidan knew - felt - the instant she realized what his plan was. "Kaidan Michael Alenko, don't you dare!"_

 _Shepard stiffened in his arms when she noticed he was walking out about two feet or so into the surf. All around them now was the ocean, gently breaking waves crashing against Kaidan's legs. And her reaction was, in his opinion, perhaps the worst thing she could possibly have done …_

… _except that, while he released his grasp on her, allowing her to drop from his arms into the water, Shepard somehow managed to slide her hand down his arm without his knowing and capture his hand firmly in hers. Which she now yanked, catching him off guard and dropping him down alongside her._

 _They sputtered and flailed for a moment or two, but soon regained their footing, laughter wrapping around them and pulling them ever closer …._

 _ **Omega, 2185**_

Unexpected tremors shook the walls and foundation of the base strongly enough that Kaidan lost his footing while descending to the main level. "Damn!" he hissed while landing hard on a knee, emitting a harsh grunt of pain.

"What happened? You okay?"

Surging immediately back to his feet, Kaidan pressed the comm button. "Yeah, I'm good. They've got rockets, though," he added, glancing across to the blackened fortifications still smoking from the remnants of the shot. Quickly, he shielded himself with a biotic barrier for added protection and moved towards the front of the building.

"Great," Garrus muttered, his tone indicating anything but. "I don't see any mechs yet. Must be one of the Blue Suns. Somewhe -" His observation was punctuated a moment later with another rocket shot originating from behind debris off to the left side of the bridge. "There you are …."

Kaidan dropped down behind the barricade but not before he saw the heavy in Blue Suns armor dropped to the ground. Permanently. Of course, that didn't stop the rest of the wave from moving. He counted quickly. "I have visual on nine," he murmured across the comm to alert Garrus even while gathering biotic energy to himself at the same time. It was rare for him to use his biotics in an open attack like this - he and Garrus had both agreed when the team was put together that they wouldn't do anything that would make them stand out as 'unique' among the Omega crowd and thus making identification any easier. So far, Kaidan had limited it to barrier fields and an occasional warp or throw if absolutely necessary to protect their team.

But with the betrayal by Sidonis and the loss of the rest of the members of their unit, Garrus had given Kaidan free rein to employ the attacks as he saw fit. Habit kept caution intact, but with so many crossing the bridge at once, a shockwave of biotic energy radiating outwards could help clear the deck, so to speak, and give them their advantage back ….

 _ **Earth, 2183**_

 _Comfort was a word Kaidan had not given much consideration since childhood. He had a job, duties. He did what was needed and when. He led men and women into battle and brought them out at the end. When all was said and done, if he could honestly say he'd given his all on a day, he was satisfied. Satisfaction, with himself and the job done, was more than enough in his book._

 _But with Shepard, Kaidan was discovering many things he had once known still had a place in his life, even though he had all but removed them after the travesty that had been BAaT. While he never really thought of himself as some old curmudgeon after those events, he knew he tended to have a more realistic, pragmatic view on life. Shepard, though, saw through all that. With her guidance, and the unexpected closeness that they found together, he was finding that certain things were, perhaps, not so lost after all._

 _Of an evening, they discovered that even along the shore the nights could be chilly. And despite a roaring fire in the hearth, Shepard still preferred to climb onto his lap, facing him, and snuggle up against his shoulder. Kaidan doubted she would ever admit as much to anyone, but he found he could not fault her for it._

 _At least, not until he found out the reason she liked to cling to him as she did._

" _So, why do you always do this?" he asked, his hand stroking in lazy circles across her back. It was their last night on shore leave. In the morning, they would be heading back to Arcturus to report for duty. Anderson had messaged that the_ Normandy _already had an assignment lined up and waiting._

" _Hmmm?" She sounded drowsy, but Kaidan knew better. She was relaxed. Fully. Completely. For someone of her military training and experience, or his own, for that matter, he knew to get to this point was rare indeed. In some small way, he supposed he envied her for it. "You keep me warm," she murmured, nuzzling the area where his neck met his shoulder. "I'm always cold."_

" _You are?" He frowned, trying to think back when he first met her. "Since when?"_

 _Shepard chuckled, but lay content against his shoulder. Her tongue darted out, delicately tracing the line of his collar bone. "Have you ever seen me in anything but long sleeves?" she asked. "Pants? Maybe a hoodie?"_

" _Well, no," he admitted, shivering just a little as she continued her attentions. He couldn't hold back a small groan of contentment when he felt her teeth lightly scrape across sensitive flesh. It was only natural, when she did it again, his body reacted on instinct, the familiar blue sheen that it took on, shimmering around his body when he activated his biotics._

 _Shepard groaned softly, her lips trailing kisses along his neck. "There is that, too," she whispered._

 _Kaidan tried to glance down at her, but she wouldn't let him move. "What?" he asked, breath hitching as she caught his earlobe between her teeth. Another groan. Growling deep in his throat, Kaidan's hands moved to her waist, shifting her around so that he could catch her lips with his own and kiss her deeply. "God, Shepard," he managed through ragged breaths a moment later, "the things you do to me!"_

 _Her laughter was light, but she too was growling, and almost purring noise that rippled through him, triggering additional reactions. "How can you do that," she asked, her hands coming to rest at his bare shoulders, palming them, alternating between a loose grip and one that left her nails lightly scraping across his skin. "I would think … it would … be distracting during -" She moaned languidly, his hands exploring her more thoroughly as she spoke. "- during battle."_

 _Kaidan rested his forehead against hers. "I still don't know what you're talking about," he told her._

 _Lifting her head, Shepard met his gaze for a long moment before sitting up straight. She quickly removed her shirt, leaving her skin just as bare as his. But when his hands reached for her, she grasped them and held them away for the time being. "Look at me," she told him, her eyes intent upon his, the green flashing with a mixture of emotions._

" _I am."_

 _Her smile nearly melted him. She lifted her hands to his face and ran her thumbs across his cheekbones. "Not like that," she insisted. "Just look."_

 _Dutifully, he did so._

" _Now look at yourself."_

 _Frowning, he did. What was she after? he wondered. His complexion was darker than hers, that was pretty obvious when sitting like this, and she had more freckles dotting across her bare skin, but other than that …._

 _Shepard lifted his hand and placed it at her cheek. "Maybe this will help," she suggested._

 _Still confused, he watched as she turned her face to snuggle against his palm, smiling as the biotic haze that covered his skin tried to envelop her as well …._

 _He straightened suddenly, saw her smile widen and realized THAT was what she'd been talking about. "You like this?" he asked, tracing a line down her cheek, along her neck, between her breasts and across her abdomen._

" _You are used to it," she pointed out, her voice trembling softly as her back arched beneath his touch. "The way it feels as it moves across your skin, over muscle and bone. But to those of us without biotic abilities, we have no idea unless …."_

 _Kaidan stared down at his hand until she reached for it and placed it between the both of hers. "I think part of what fascinates me so much," she murmured, "is how something that can be wielded as such a powerful and dangerous weapon can also be used in such a gentle, precise manner to do the exact opposite."_

" _I - I guess I never really thought about it like that," he replied, more than a little stunned by her admission._

" _I have seen you use your biotics on the battlefield and off," she reminded him. "For attacking or for defense. Deep down, you are a protector, Kaidan. You know the importance of watching out for those who can't defend themselves."_

 _Their eyes met and locked, and behind emerald green, he saw the truth. "Since BAaT, all I've ever seen is how dangerous it can be," he admitted. "Deadly."_

" _It can be," she agreed, "when necessary, but you are so much more than just a weapon. I can think of no other word to describe it than 'protector.' And," she insisted, "there is nothing wrong with that." She moved his hand to rest along her hip, squeezing reassuringly before shifting against him causing him to groan again in need. "Trust me, the only danger I can see in this moment … is if you stop …."_

 _ **Omega, 2185**_

Kaidan hurried back up the stairs, dropping to a knee beside Garrus before setting a small pile of ammunition beside him. "We're running low," he warned quietly.

Garrus chuckled. "They don't know that," he replied. "Take what you can get off the ones who fall inside the compound."

"Where do you think these came from?" Kaidan countered easily. He took a quick peek over the wall. "Did I get them all?"

Garrus lifted his Mantis, using the scope to survey the scene below and the barricade on the far side of the bridge. "Looks like it," he answered. "For the moment, anyway. Not a bad way to clear them all out at once, either. We've probably got a bit before the next wave comes over the wall." He sat back and reached for a nutrient bar he'd stashed nearby. Tearing open the end, he waved it between himself and Kaidan before advising, "Eat while you've got the chance, Alenko."

Kaidan smiled and sat back opposite his friend. "Already done," he replied. "That last shockwave took out most of my reserves." Arching his back, he tried to stretch stiff joints and aching muscles. Being cooped up in armor all day and all night was playing havoc on his body.

He heard a noise in the distance, a shrill whistle, but it was on the far side of the bridge. They would only have a few minutes before the next wave would be upon them. Eyes drifting lazily to peer over the balcony in the general direction from where the attacks were coming, Kaidan murmured, "Do you really think she'd approve?"

Garrus finished chewing his food and swallowed before answering. "All I know is that she would have my hide if I left you back on the Citadel spiraling downwards like you were," he replied. "Seeing how things ended up here - us fighting for those who couldn't? - I think she'd probably have joined us if she could have." He shrugged. "You knew her better than I did."

Kaidan shook his head. "Not better," he corrected, "different. You knew her as a friend. A comrade in arms. I knew her as …."

Garrus eyed him carefully. "A soulmate?" he offered.

Kaidan blinked in surprise, but nodded. "Yeah. Close enough."

 _ **SSV Normandy, 2183**_

 _Scrambling through a state of the art frigate currently being torn apart by God only knew what was not exactly high on Kaidan's list of things he ever wanted to live through again. Ever. "Joker won't abandon ship," he announced, securing his helmet. His eyes focused on her back as she worked to release the emergency beacon. "I'm not leaving either."_

 _He saw her shoulders move, just the slightest sag before lifting again and he could have sworn he heard her sigh heavily. They hadn't really had this conversation … yet, but he could guess where her thoughts were headed. She was the Commander, the Captain of the ship, which meant …._

" _Kaidan, I need you to get everyone to the escape pods. I will take care of Joker," she ordered._

 _Beneath his helmet, he flinched at the implications, none of them good. Instinct had his protests escaping before he could stop them. "But, Shepard -"_

" _Kaidan," her voice was sharp, authoritative, "go! Get everyone to the escape pods. Now!"_

 _He hesitated only an instant, a moment to mentally photograph her image into his brain before he turned away. Guilt ate away at him the entire time. She needed him there, beside her, like they always were. Ground side or aboard ship, they were a team. But this one time, she was keeping them apart. Why?_

 _He forced himself to focus on getting the crew out. Ticking off the names as each one scrambled into a pod, by the time he followed Dr. Chakwas in and secured his harness over his shoulders, he could feel his initial dread congealing into a heavy mass, weighing him down. The sight of continued battle and the drifting remnants of their ship outside the virtual windows of the escape pod did nothing to reassure him either._

" _C'mon, Shepard!" he whispered, urging her to abandon ship with all due haste as the attacking ship came around again for another pass._

 _Interminable. That was how long it seemed, between the time his pod left and the moment he saw a last flash, the escape pod shooting through the mass of debris like a shot out of a pistol. But relief, even from knowing that the pod had ejected before the ship totally disintegrated, did not come. It wouldn't be until later that he would understand why …._

 _ **Citadel, 2184**_

"You were ordered to get the others off," Garrus reminded him, stating the obvious. "Shepard ordered you to leave. You had no choice."

"I could have stayed. Helped her with Joker. Something." Sighing, Kaidan sank back into the sofa and covered his face with his hands. "I just … I abandoned her when she needed me most."

"No, you followed a direct order and made sure the others got away safely." Rising, Garrus crossed the room to retrieve a datapad from his desk. When he returned, he dropped it into Alenko's lap before retaking his seat. "Anderson told me because of your actions, only twenty of the crew were lost. It could have been a lot worse than that."

Kaidan's arm dropped and he glanced down at the datapad, but he couldn't bring it into focus, a reaction that had less to do with being drunk than it did other factors he didn't want to delve into just then. Sure, he'd followed orders, but at what cost?

Leaning forward, Garrus rested his arms on his legs. When he spoke, his voice was pitched more deeply, more intense. "Come with me to Omega, Alenko. You aren't doing the Alliance any favors right now and I think you and I both know you are headed down a very dark path if you stay here. Come with me. We'll go work on cleaning up Omega. That's what humans call it, isn't it?"

Kaidan shook his head back and forth, but he managed a small laugh. "Where do you come up with these old Earth expressions, Garrus?"

Garrus chuckled in return. "Come with me to Omega and I might just let you in on my secret," he replied.

Sighing, Kaidan ran his hands over his face one last time. In his heart, he _knew_ Shepard wouldn't want him to lose his way like this. A perpetual spiral downwards until finally hitting rock bottom. And to be honest, he didn't want to experience a repeat of what happened after BAaT. But some things just couldn't be stopped.

"I've got some leave time built up," he heard himself saying, not recalling giving himself permission to say it aloud. "Let me see if I can do something with that …."

"Good." Garrus smiled. _How do you even know if a turian smiles?_ Kaidan wondered vaguely. "And who knows, maybe we'll find something useful you can send back to the Alliance while we are there. Let them think you're still working even though you're on leave. Killing two birds with one rock, hmm?"

Kaidan rolled his eyes, but he did manage a half hearted laugh.

 _ **Omega, 2185**_

Kaidan was just rising to his feet to retake his earlier position when he heard the shrill whistle again, across the bridge. "Here they come," he muttered, scrambling to the other side of the room.

"About time," Garrus returned. He lifted his Mantis, balancing the weapon so he could look out of the scope.

Kaidan dropped into place, setting the ammunition he'd saved for himself to his left. He pulled out his pistol and moved close to the edge of the wall when he heard Garrus make some sort of noise. "What is it?" he called over in concern.

There was a pause before he answered, long enough that Garrus was able to take aim and release a couple of shots. "I think our odds just improved," he returned.

Without context or further comment, Kaidan frowned, confused. _What the hell …?_ He saw Garrus lift his rifle again and rose over the top edge himself, looking for a target below. At first, it was just a flash of black, the hint of white and red just a blur so fast his brain couldn't interpret it. Then it was gone, hiding behind a packing crate that had been set up as a barricade. When it returned to his line of vision, he noted the familiar dark coppery mass atop her head, too, just as he was lowering his pistol and lining up his target in his sights …

His shot veered sharply off to the right at the last second, hastily snagging an unsuspecting target in blue before he could do any damage to her. Blinking back shock and surprise, he caught the flash of green eyes darting up in his direction before he ducked down behind the wall. Frantically scrubbing his face with his hands, he debated whether or not he was seeing things. God knew he had been running less on sleep and more on stims and adrenaline for days now.

"Some of them have broken into the main level," Garrus warned. "Why don't you head down? I will keep picking them off from up here and you can be the ... 'welcoming committee,' I think you call it?"

Kaidan grunted quietly, though even he wasn't certain if it was in agreement with the idea or refusal. He was still in a state of shock at what he'd just seen.

Garrus apparently accepted it as confirmation and chuckled, taking aim at another target and firing. "Go on, Alenko," he said after another moment. "You know you want to."

But Kaidan was torn. Had he imagined it? He'd recognized, albeit a little too late, that it was standard Alliance issue N7 gear, but matching that with the familiar copper twist atop her head …. It couldn't be. Could it?

Rising, Kaidan took a deep breath, resolve washing over him. Whatever it was, _whoever_ it was, he had to face it. "I'll take care of them," he promised, hustling out of the room and towards the staircase.

But as he descended to the lower floor, providing a powerful display of biotics along the way, he had to wonder just what it was driving him forward. There was no way it could be her. Two years without any hint, any word to the contrary of what the Alliance had reported … she was dead. Gone. No more. End of story.

 _Except, she's not …._

Green eyes met brown as the dust settled around them, and Kaidan held his breath for a long moment. Unconsciously, he found himself counting the spray of freckles across the bridge of her nose, taking note of the newer, unhealed scars across her cheeks, searching for the old one across her brow and the smaller one, from Virmire, at the corner of her lip.

She was the first to react, taking a couple steps until she stood almost nose to nose with him. Caught off guard, he reacted without thinking: a step backwards, biotics flaring to life, and that was when he saw the smile curving upwards on her lips. It reached the emerald of her eyes, too, and in them he found recognition, even before she spoke.

" _The only danger I see right now is if you stop …."_

And for the first time since he'd lost her, Kaidan began to feel hope that he might not be as broken as he'd originally feared.


End file.
